We walked out of the grocery store hand-in-hand, but as we reached the car my husband let go and headed for the driver’s seat. For what felt like the thousandth time, he hadn’t opened the door for me. I stopped where he’d let go of my hand and waited in disappointment for him to turn around.
He looked back and smiled at me. “What, sweetie?”
“Well … it’s just that … you never open the door for me anymore, and I really, really like that,” I said, staring awkwardly at the ground before continuing. “Do you remember our first official date? Do you know how I knew you were the one?”
“How?” he asked.
“Because you opened every single door for me. The movie theatre door, the car door, the door to Steak ‘n’ Shake. Every single door.”
Now, all of this might sound silly to you, but having my husband open the door for me is a big reminder of how much he loves and cares for me. It makes me feel special, treasured and secure. That’s why I was saddened in the grocery store parking lot, because he had stopped showing love to me in this way.
But the door swings both ways. And later that night, we talked about the ways that I’d stopped being a lover and encourager for him too.
Falling in love is sensational, magical and sweet. But staying in love and cultivating a strong marriage — that’s something that takes work. As husbands and wives, we can’t just go through the motions of daily life and expect our relationships to grow deeper. We have to show up, roll up our sleeves, put our spouses first and actively demonstrate our love.
Dear sisters, if we are to be imitators of Christ and godly wives, we have to move from having an “I’ mindset to having a “we” mindset. In the heat of the moment, when life is busy, stressful or frustrating, we have to commit to choosing selflessness over selfishness and loving our man with everything we’ve got.
It’s easy to think about and dwell on the ways that we want to be loved and encouraged better: open the car door for me, tell me I’m beautiful, buy me flowers, surprise me with candles and a bottle of wine, take me out to dinner, dance with me under the stars. The hard part of marriage is to put loving and encouraging our husband into practice.
But there’s hope for us all, and all we have to do is commit to making an effort. So, if you’re wondering how to encourage your husband better, here are eight ways to get started (eight ways that are husband approved, I should add!):
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Write a note.
Whenever my husband leaves to go on a business trip, I always leave him a note in the morning letting him know that I will miss him and that I hope he has safe travels. Notes are a tangible way to show love and, in the digital world we live in, they are so rare and valuable. Surprise your man by leaving a note on the mirror, refrigerator, or in his lunch box or car. A note is worth 1,000 hugs.
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Say thank you.
I know, this one sounds so simple, but if you honestly stop and think about it, how often do you thank your husband? If you’re like me, probably not as often as you should. Thanking him for the big and little things — taking out the trash, cleaning the dog, helping fold laundry, surprising you with a gift — shows him that he is appreciated.
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Tell him why you love him, and remind him often.
When we first fall in love, we make a point to tell someone why we love them, and we don’t let them forget about it, either. But after “I do,” some of us stop reminding our spouse that we’re still madly in love with them.
Wherever you are, I want you to take out a piece of paper right now and write down the first 10 things that come to mind when you think about why you love your husband. Maybe it’s his smile, or the way he takes care of you. Maybe it’s his work ethic, or his tender heart. Whatever those reasons are, make a point to remind him of those reasons a couple of times a week.
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Be genuinely interested in what he has to say.
It’s been said that men are like waffles, while the female brain is like a big pile of spaghetti. Though I understand this might not describe every one of us, I know it certainly can describe me. Do you ever find yourself zoning out while your husband is talking? This can be a super discouraging for our men!
At the end of the day, our thoughts and agendas are not the most important things to be thinking about. Instead, we need to make it a point to listen to our husband and show genuine interest in his passions and endeavors. Ask him what he thinks about things. Ask him what he wants to work toward. This kind of attentiveness helps build up his confidence and leads to deeper conversation, which ultimately brings a couple closer.
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Tell him what you need.
No one’s a mind reader. Not your mom, not your friend and especially not your husband. We show love (and grace) to our husbands when we help him understand our wants, needs, desires, etc.
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Don’t try and force him to be someone he’s not. Love him for who God made him to be.
This has been a huge one for my husband and I. There was a point when we were dating that I tried to force him to be this person who worked out at the gym five days a week. I’ll spare you the details of those uncomfortable months, but the gist of it is this: I love my husband best when I encourage him, not when I try to turn him into someone that he’s not.
We can pray for our husbands to change. We can encourage them to embrace new ways of living and thinking. But we change the essence of who they are. That’s God’s business.
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Create reasons to laugh and smile.
I believe one of the best medicines for a joy-filled marriage is laughter. A healthy couple is a couple that can be silly, laugh and poke fun at each other. You don’t have to be a comedian. You can reminisce about a time when something hilarious happened, or try making fun of yourself. Just be you and make a point to celebrate the quirkiness of your marriage. It’s what makes the two of you unique.
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Surprise him with a date night.
One of my favorite things to do for my husband is plan a date night. It doesn’t matter what day of the week it is, but I aim to surprise him with something every other week. There’s something about getting all glammed up, going out, talking about life and being adults together. It takes me back to the time we first fell in love and it reminds me that dating shouldn’t stop after the wedding ceremony.
I originally wrote this post for iBelieve.com. Read all of my articles for iBelieve here.
I loved this post, Lauren. “The door swings both ways” Ha! That was the perfect phrase for your story. It’s true, though, we could use the opportunity, when we’re disappointed in our spouse, to look at what we need to do to be an encourager. You’ve shared some wonderfully practical ideas on how to do that.
Yes! Thanks for sharing and reading, Dawn.
This is some good stuff, Lori!
And, very wise words for such a young woman!
I think this is so true, “It’s easy to think about and dwell on the ways that we want to be loved and encouraged better.”
Thank you for sharing such practical tips for all of us wives!
Sure do appreciate you~
Melanie
Thank you so much, dear Melanie!
#6 did it for me, dear friend! (had to repent already this am!) love to you and your sweetie!
HUGS and blessings to you, sweet Sue! <3
Great list! I agree, we have to keep dating our spouse after the wedding day. My husband still holds the doors open for me, but holding hands is something we don’t do as much anymore. It’s the little things, right? I love the list, especially 4 and 5, and I would add that it’s always good to try something your spouse likes even if it’s not your favorite thing. My husband and I have hobbies that are different from each other, but it’s a good way to grow and try something new when I go out of my way to do something he likes. Thanks for the reminders!
Amen to that, Anne! I never watched hockey before I met my husband, but he is a hockey player, so I’ve grown to love the sport now. Great point!
It’s so easy to become focused on our own needs! I love how these conversations open up communication though. That happend for me recently too. I really love how you plan a date for you both. I’ve been thinking about how my husband would probably love that, and now this must be confirmation!
Oh, how deeply I know that to be true, Valerie. Let me know how date night goes!!
thank you so much for reminding me to start my day encouraging and loving my husband, which hasn’t been easy with a new baby. but after reading your blog today, i was able to switch from survival mode to loving wife mode 🙂
I am so glad this post could speak to you, dear Rosie. May God bless your marriage and help you and your husband through this transition season. <3
This is such a great and helpful post to marriages! I don’t usually think of writing a note but I love that idea! Date nights are so life giving to our marriage.
Writing notes is one of my favorite things to do for my husband! He doesn’t always write back, but that’s OK, because all that matters is that he received the reminder that I love and support him!
Love this post! I am a firm believer we should never stop dating our spouse. We haven’t been on a “date” in a while, which your post has reminded me we need to!
Good post Lauren! With 5 kids, we don’t have a lot of time to show our feelings. It’s a good reminder to be diligent about these little things because they encourage and build both of us up!
I need to be better;)
Julie
I love this post. It’s so simple and yet so true. You inspired me and I went straight away and wrote my husband a note! It’s difficult sometimes for me to relate to other wives because my husband is a recovering addict so usually, the advice isn’t as applicable because of all the junk we went through but your post encompasses the essence of marriage and I really appreciate it. I shared and I’m going to follow you on social! Coming to you from the RaRa Link Up 🙂
I love this post! I always try to leave my husband notes!
This post is something everyone should read – even if you are NOT married. I’ve been dating the same guy for four years and he’s wonderful! Hopefully we’ll get married after college, but this is something every relationship should read. Everyone needs a lift me up sometimes! Great post.
http://www.onceortwiceblog.com
I agree, Lauren! I’ll be praying over your relationship as you navigate the transition to post-college life. Take care and thanks for stopping by the blog!
Tell him what you need—YES!!!! So many women get so frustrated but have never communicated their needs. So crucial. Love this my dear. Keep on encouraging!
Amen, amen, amen. We can’t expect them to read our minds!
All great reminders! I used to write to my husband more because he left on deployments. We both agree we miss communicating that way, but it’s a challenge to remember to do it!
I know what you mean! I write reminders in my planner to do it every so often. 🙂
I love this post, so beautiful
Thank you so much, Terri!
Thank you for some fresh ideas and reminders! We can all use this!
Thanks for stopping by, Kathleen! Have a blessed day.
Pray for your husband! first thing!
Love this list. Let’s be wives that pursue and encourage our men!
Such a great list! It’s so easy for me to focus on what he’s not doing for ME that I completely forget to turn my focus to what I can do for him. #4 is a biggie too!
I know exactly what you mean, Jen! Thanks for stopping by the blog and have a blessed day!
Such good thoughts and reminders!
I would add one more: Try not to keep score. Sadly this is the one I struggle with the most!
Yes! I love that. Keeping score can be dangerous in marriage — or any relationship for that matter.
Thanks for the reminder! 🙂 Need to do so many of these!
Thanks for these reminders. It’s so important to make our marriage a priority.
Amen! I was reminded of that last night when my husband and I had a heart to heart about something that’s been bothering him lately. We have to work at our marriages to make them successful!
Such a good reminder! Both the small and big actions are important!
So many good reminders here, Lauren! As the years pass, we are even more tempted to take each other for granted. We need to be intentional about remembering to cherish each other, yet love each other fully for the unique people God created us to be.
Hugs,
Lori
So true, Lori. Marriage is hard, and the enemy wants to tear every one of God’s unions apart. But if we are intentional and work hard to keep our marriages sacred, I’ve found that they can endure anything. <3
What a great list. I so need to be better about doing this 🙁 I just get stuck in my rut. Maybe I will write a sweet note this week 🙂
Thanks so much for sharing this Lauren. We have seen so many marriages around us fall apart and we are prayerfully trying to love each other better. I love the conversations that have come from it all. Not always easy to hear but so good for us.
I love this post. This was a lovely reminder.
The door swings both ways. How true those words are.